More to be thankful about

I'll make this quick, because I have a lot of work to do in the last 5 days of my career here (at my current job).

My little dog (all 70 pounds of him) is feeling much better after a scary vet visit and scarier prognosis: pancreatitis. He is on a special diet and is back his old self, which means energy to spare and lots of licking. We're working on that... As I bought his new food last night, spending $30 for about a one-week supply I thought, "wow, this is insane, but he is so worth it!"

My little man (all-I'm not going to say how much Josh weighs!!) is safe! He finished the Baja 1000, crossing the finish line around 3 a.m. I had been tensely watching the little dot that represented his car on the map of Mexico since he started his shift around 6 p.m. I finally feel asleep around 11 and was awoken by a phone call. Josh's mom had been watching the screen non-stop. Both our hearts stopped when his car stopped, for about an hour. We worried in our separate houses if he had crashed or gotten hurt or was stuck, or broken down... Linda was so upset she told me she got in her car and went for a drive to stop herself from staring obsessively at the screen. But the little dot that said "1610" made it to Cabo San Lucas and I got a phone call from the victorious race car driver! Safe, in one piece, and probably very tired. Too bad he has a 24 hour drive home...

My journey

I don't have much time to write.

That is a motto for me right now, I think. I don't have much time to write this time, right now, and in general as well. But I want to say one thing.

I am thankful!
I am thankful for my life, my circumstances, most of all, my journey. I so incredibly grateful that my life has worked out the way it has, even though portions have been painful and overwhelming, and probably will be again. For now, I am reflecting on what is right rather than what is wrong. I am starting to see the direction my life is taking, and it is shaping up to be everything I wanted it to be and more. There is so much more that I can offer, and I feel as though my potential is shining through, so brightly that even I have caught a glimpse of it. I am optimistic and hopeful. I appreciate every moment and how each one has led to where I am now. I feel at peace with my circumstances.

I am lucky.

Thank you!

Halloween

So this has been a crazy week, but I do not let my favorite holiday go unrecognized. Ashley and Brittany joined me for a pumpkin-fest. We ate themed foods, starting with spiderweb soup and black-and-orange sandwiches, bone sticks, orange candy corn punch, and ending with worms and dirt.

Happy Halloween!!

Yep. That's all.

I love this holiday!

Quest for the Dress

I went to about the fifth dress store that I have tried this past weekend, and I fell in love. Well, to be honest, I had already fallen in love with this gown, but when I tried it on again, I really loved it.

And then I found out how much it cost.

Back to the drawing board...

Stop it!!

Okay fires, I've had enough. I don't think I can take any more of this. Please stop. PLEASE.

Tonight, I plan on driving the twenty minutes from where I live now (north county) to where I grew up (I know I went so far away--south county). I have been told that 200 homes have burned in the canyon, and as the fire rages on in one of my favorite places on earth, I urge you to think not only of the houses, displaced people, and lost possessions (as they do have insurance, after all) but to also think of what nature has lost at the hands of an arsonist. Silverado, Modjeska, and Santiago Canyons are full of some of the most beautiful, breathtaking, and stunning creations God ever made-live oak and sycamore trees. many of them are hundreds of years old. They have witnessed the changes that are so emblematic of California. The Native Americans moving into the area, the Spanish entering the canyon and using its timber to construct homes and missions, the last Native American massacre in Black Star Canyon, the gradual progression of other settlers, and eventually increased commercialization and track homes. However, as part of its appeal, the trees have not witnessed as much change as most areas in Southern California. Many areas are still completely untouched, and the majority of the homes are tucked away in extremely rural locations.

The trees, the native landscape, the natural habitat, to me has always spoken of the past, what California has been. I could not count the amount of times that I have driven through the canyon simply for therapeutic reasons, and gazed out at the colors, the fantastically muted greens, purples, and blues that speak so clearly of the true California landscape. I have driven the canyon road and I have thought, so many times, about how lucky I am to like in the midst of such beauty. I thought about my dream home, on some remote plateau with views of nature and its miraculous bounty, even its times of want and lack, and how each phase compliments and leads into the next.

Of course, we are not only losing plant life. The canyon is home to countless species of wildlife. Deer, mountain lions, coyotes, rabbits, and hawks to name a few. Hawks have always captured my attention. The make lazy circles in the air, not like vultures signalling a source of food, but, in my mind, simply for the pure joy of it. They soar, they slowly circle, and I imagine them breathing in the scents of the air, taking in the scenery, and just reveling in the feeling of the wind in their wings. They are intelligent creatures, especially in tune to their surroundings, with excellent senses and above-average perception. It is no wonder that royalty in ancient England chose them for sport, respected them. There is much we could learn from hawks.

Among the natural landmarks stand several that are man-made, including the beautiful Modjeska House built by Madame Modjeska, a famous entertainer, in the style of Shakespeare's England sitting among the trees. Another landmark is the Rancho Las Lomas estate, where Josh and I should be getting married next October, God willing it makes it through this week. I remember my adventures in this canyon, hiking along hidden streams and finding the ancient grindstones of the canyon's first inhabitants. The mysticism of my friends in school as they discussed the ghosts that lingered from the Black Star Massacre and the Native American burial ground. Although the landscape looks nothing like this, I always pictured the knights of my daydreams to come galloping through the trees and off to another adventure.

I suppose I always believed that I appreciated the landscape enough, more than most, but facing the flames of some evil human I suddenly realize the strain of humanity on nature, my inability to fully appreciate what was there before it disappears, the longing I feel to be there now, and my gut-wrenching fear to see what is left.

This is why I will travel there tonight. I feel like I need to see it with my own eyes before I can heal. I need to understand what I will be dealing with this weekend, when the fore casted drizzle hits the embers of these fires and sends up the last plumes of sooty smoke. I need to know what we have lost, and then I need to grieve.

Fire

I have always been terrified of fire. I don't remember one singular event that brought this on, but I don't remember a time in which I wasn't scared of it.

Maybe it is this fear, or maybe it is because I have feelings, but for one reason or another I just cannot get my head around the act of arson. Why would someone want to start fires on purpose, knowing the destruction they cause? Does this person get some sort of thrill out of hearing the roar of the flames, the shrill call of sirens? Does this person feel a rush when looking across the land, once green and lush with vegetation, and now black, smoldering, inhospitable? I like to hope not, and yet I am faced with this harsh reality.