No!

I refuse! I refuse to be a person that dwells in anger and frustration and sits, day after day, in a situation that displeases him. I want to do something with my life! Something inside me screams these words and yet something else urges me to stay, to remain complacent. I can picture what I want from life. I can feel it, altough it is not concrete, it is not spelled out or actual. I will know it when I feel it. What I feel now is that I should wait for the right moment to come along, and yet I do not yet know what that will be. I should be more clear. I desire to change the path in which my life is heading, and I do not feel valued, however, I need the money that I make, pitiful as it is, and I need to ensure that I would be making the right decision.

I want to take the strengths finder test. Not because I don't know what my strengths are, because instincitvely I do, but because I need to affirming power of knowing (rather than feeling) them. I will do this, and I will write about them, and hopefully that will help me decide where I want to go and what I want to do.

Wow, I just made something like a plan.

Anger addict?

Hi imaginary blog readers,
I am in a really bad mood. Have you ever had someone throw something nice back in your face? Have you ever been confronted with a person insecure enough to try and undermine and injure a family member with a heart so pure that he only wishes this person the best of luck, as trying as she may be? Well I am marrying into such a person. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't ever think she would stoop as low as this. Before I continue my sales pitch I suppose I need to explain myself.

This person I speak of is probably part of the reason that I despise Christian hypocrites so much. i don't call myself an anything, but I try to live my life after the basic moral tenets in my heart and the teachings of others that I find to be true. One of these is Jesus, but my moral guideposts are not limited to Him. I also look to my parents, friends, and others for the "right" in a sea of wrongs. I am constantly confronted with people who call themselves followers, and yet they do no single action to define themselves as such. It is as though some people call themselves Republicans, and yet they keep voting for Democrats and having abortions.

Hopefully such people don't exist, and if they did, we would all realize what a joke they are. However, do some spiritual name-dropping, add a touch of the mystical to the mix, and no one questions you.

Well I do.

Right now I feel called strangely toward Christian soldier-ism, and yet my kind of soldier is a sort of Pulp-Fiction-era Samuel L. Jackson, complete wiht Jeri-curl, gun, and an abundance of the word m#&%^r-f@&#er.

Why is it that I am so easily angered by people who protest their observance to a faith and yet follow none of the tenets of that tradition? I think I care because Christianity means something to me, as hard as it is for me to admit. I have never been hurt so deeply as I have by the most blatant, sticker-affixing and card-carrying Christians I have ever known. I'll be honest, it has made me reluctant to befriend such people. That, my friends, is pathetic and unfair.

Now as I sit here, becoming angrier at the minute, I question my desire to align myself with anyone else for eternity. I am fine with my choice of mates, and I want nothing more than to grow old with him and his every imperfection, but I am forced to align myself with others who share his past and his DNA. What have I gotten myself into. I do not maintain long-term relationships. Not with boys, not with girls (who would be friends, last time I checked my sexual preference). I don't know why I ever thought that I could possibly get along with other people without my Samuel L. Jackson hair, weapon, and vocabulary.

I am taking a trip down memory lane this afternoon. I am remembering the past friendships I've had and how they have ended, and i am becoming very skeptical of this magical realm of "love" and the less magical realm of "family."

Just when I start to be on good terms (possibly, hopefully) with my brother I enter into another drama-filled and anger-laden relationship. This is not what I want for my life. I protest! I want peace. I want happiness. I want to focus on the problems of others, heal them, and turn to another. How can I do that when I feel drawn in to and obsessed with the problems I face?

Undecided

I am trying to pull together my thoughts right now and finding that difficult. I have really run the gamut of emotions today. I was scared, exhilarated, nervous, happy, upset, and sad. now I feel just strange.

Sometimes I just wish that I could turn off whatever it is in me that causes me to over think and overdo everything. I give myself the same pep talks when I am frustrated and upset and they do not work. I feel like I can go from a place of exaltation, utter and complete joy and pride in myself, who I am and where I am going, to the depths of despair. I should not be able to, in a day, go from elation to sadness, pride to disgust. I think I care too much, and it even stops me from doing. I could do more for others and care less. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes.

In high school my motto was, "if you're not pissed off, you're not paying attention." In my eyes, if you didn't see the problems that plague our world and you didn't feel anything about them that you were morally flawed. I could not get my mind off of every little thing outside my control. I don't know why I care about things that do not concern me in any way, but I do. I know that my feeling bad will not improve anything, but I feel morally remiss to go on with my day while others suffer. I need to take things as they come I guess, evaluate them, and do what I can, if anything. I need to stop thinking about revenge and focus on something positive. I need to channel my advice to others (appreciate, rejoice) and dump it on myself and actually believe it and practice it. I want to feel accomplished and I am one of the many things that stand in my way. Can I change that? Will I ever escape the feeling that I am uncomfortable where I am now?

I need to do what I feel is right. I need to follow my heart. I trust that things happen for a reason. I trust that if I continue as I am now, good things will come of my life. I feel that retribution comes to those who deserve it. I feel that by living positively and doing what I feel is right I will be rewarded in the end. I think I am already being rewarded! I think I am very fortunate to be where I am now. I need to remember that!

We are the wounded

Okay, I'm pulling out the soapbox, yet again, for another discussion. this is not a new one for me, it is something I have spoken about time and time again. If you had been in lit. classes with me, you would be sick of this by now, but I think it is important for all of us to hear. I am my rant at Americans, because it is the culture I am in and the culture I know, but we are not alone in this. There are two forces at work here:
what I call "un"original sin, or the "sins of our fathers"
and
guilt.
If I were to write a Milton-esque mythical journey, Guilt would be my tragic hero. That is, I think guilt is underestimated in its scope and importance. But before I jump into guilt I must first explain my first force.

"Un"original sin.
I am not talking about the religious idea of Original Sin and the Fall, although it is important to note that we live in a postlapsarian world (that is, we are not in the Garden of Eden; we exist after the fall) and things are in no way innocent and perfect. In our current time, many years after the Fall, people made mistakes, if you will, and those mistakes have left a scar that does not diminish with the decay of flesh. This scar continues on through many generations of people and is passed, like a genetic disorder, from father to son, mother to daughter.
The "un"original sin I speak of is the sin that has commenced since the Fall of Man. It is the sin of fathers and mothers which is transcribed to sons and daughters of the flesh. Within this idea is the notion of inevitability. We know, as part and parcel of this new world, that humans will err, and to accept this is to accept humankind. However, what I don't think Adam and Eve considered as they left that garden, was that on top of their own physical pain and embarrassment, each passing generation would amplify and increase human suffering in a never-ending spiral until salvation. This is why: If Eve supposed (as she must have as an intelligent being) that after her generation her children would adapt to pain and become stronger for it, adopt the idea of foraging for food and shelter and assume it as natural, and suppose she believed that eventually the pain of their mistakes would disappear. There was one small factor that she did not consider. Entire generations do not start and end simultaneously. Children are taught and guided by their parents and society. The ideas that begin with one carry on to the next. Each passing mistake, ill deed or word, murder or betrayal becomes a part of a human, just as is his skin or bones, and just as parents pass along astigmatism or ashtma, so is pain transmuted from one generation to the next. not just pain, but predjudice, hatred, bitterness, hostility, and bias. We are never going to experience a new group of people who will wipe clean the slate of humanity's mistakes and start again, and even if we did, who is to say that the same things would not occur?
To sum that up, we all have baggage.
I have baggage as a woman in our society, knowing what has gone before and what is yet to be conquered. I have some new baggage, only as old as my parents' generation, due to my knowledge of the things they fought for. On top of this I have baggage only as old as my body, for as long as I have possessed this frame things have been done to me and by me that have left me forever changed.
Can we fix it?
This is where guilt begins. As if we weren't all damaged enough, we also have the guilt of those who came before us. We borrow and eventually take over the pain of our forbears as well as the guilt. We are all broken.
Now I didn't tell you how you could fix it. I should.
Acknowledge it. It is the only thing you can do. Take credit for it. Stop convincing yourself that because you "weren't there" it is not "your problem." I wish you all could know how hard it was for me to reach deep, deep, deep (thanks, Krysta) down into myself and acknowledge my guilt about racism in the United States. My protests were varied and sounded pretty solid: I wasn't there, my ancestors weren't involved in the slave trade, hell my ancestors were some of the persecuted. But it was a healing moment when i could acknowledge that I am still guilty. As blood runs through my veins of ancient origins, I am complicit in their crimes because I benefit from them. Can I dispute that fact? I do. I am white, therefore I benefit from the racist policies of older generations. It will not disappear with a Proclamation, laws, inclusion in public policy, or discussions of the pain that minorities felt. It is not fair to say that because you weren't there, you weren't hurt by it. Remember that humanity is old and we are all one, across years and generations. it will not be erased with a few kind words. We still benefit from the systems that were in place then, the ideas in place now, and the decisions that will be made in the future.
We are all complicit.
If you think that not being white excuses you from this, think again. We all have something in our pasts that we need to seek forgiveness for. Men, this is where you should pay attention. Women were not created in an inferior manner. Because Eve was symbolically created from the rib of a man does not make her a lesser being, she was an improvement on the first design. Just because you feel that you are kind to women and that you do not subjugate us does not mean that you are or do. You are guilty, as was your father and grandfather. You are guilty now because you benefit from the system and continue to do so. You are guilty because your sons will benefit as well. Do not make light of this situation. You need to acknowledge that you are guilty. Apologize to a woman and feel the weight lift from your chest.


You think that with new life comes new possibility, and that is a beautiful and optomistic thought that we all should have. Truly we can form new life, we still have time to push our children toward change. However, we cannot change them. With something as old as humanity you must not assume that simply by way of birth one gets to re-design all of human history. The act of being born does not clean the terrible history of the United States from our faces, let alone our older ancestors. We are an ancient race, and our ancient ideas come with us. Perhaps this is where the idea of reincarnation comes from. It is not that we are born again, it is that our souls are never new. Even from birth we are tainted and old.

Do you ever?

Today I have been thinking about the strange things that I do, some of which I hardly realize.

If someone were to ask me if I were superstitious, I would laugh and answer that I am certainly not. With my stringent belief in free will, choice, and authority over one's life, it does not make sense that I would put any trust in superstition, and yet I do. I can sum up my reason for this quite simply:
I do it just in case.
Life is hard enough, I don't need to add to the constant travail of life by carelessly walking under a ladder or upending a salt shaker. Why risk it?
Yes, that is ridiculous, and i know it. I know it while I am throwing salt over my shoulder or changing directions to avoid a black cat crossing my path. I know that superstition and fate are ideas that I do not subscribe to, and yet when I get a fortune from a fortune cookie, you better believe that I stick it in my purse. I tell myself that I do this just because they are "cute" and even inspirational. I wouldn't be surprised, dear reader, if you didn't believe that.
My last one warned me to be attentive because someone is interested in me. Hmmm....

East of Eden

This is where I am.
It is also coincedentally the title of one of my favorite books. Eden is near, but I am somewhere downwind of Paradise, in a place far more comfortable. I enjoy the imperfections that humans fall mercy to. Also, what would I do with perfection but sully its name, disregard it, or worse? I am in a comfortable valley in which I feel blessedly close to perfection, but I can use the imperfection in my life to be grateful for its opposite. I feel that if the terrible moments didn't come along to slap me in the face and awaken my inner gratitude for all that is not terrible, for all moments that are not the moment I despise, I would not truly appreciate the beauty in my life.

We, here in the beautiful, sun-drenched and fertile county of Orange have little to complain about, and yet complaints are all we hear. I am guilty of this myself. I feel saddened at the realization of what a freak I would seem like if, rather than complaining about the weather, my lack of energy, or politics, I spouted inspirational words of joy. Picture this: I walk into an elevator at my doctor's office with a stranger. I smile as I enter and say:
Me: Isn't it gorgeous outside?
Stranger: Um, sure, yeah, I guess.
Me: We are so lucky to be able to walk into this office and stand in an elevator, aren't we?
Stranger: Um, sure.
Me: Really, if you think about all the people who cannot walk and stand, who rely on elevators, when we both know we were just too lazy to take the stairs, this is quite a feat. And we take this for granted.
Stranger: *clears throat, mumbles* Yeah. *Looks at feet, checks the door quickly, returns gaze to feet*

Here is the conversation I would most likely have:
Me: Hi, thanks for holding the door. What floor are you going to?
Stranger: Third. The lab.
Me: Ouch. i hope you aren't taking a blood test.
Stranger: I am. I hate blood tests. I hate needles and i hate waiting so long for them to call my name.
Me: Seriously. And they are so rude! Can you believe the way they boss you around? One lady told me I was a baby and I need to "get over it!"
Stranger: yeah, but with health insurance...what can you expect?
Did you see that? We bonded over hatred and annoyance. It is the cultural norm to complain but not to praise or enjoy. Pathetic.

Let's all start a positivity revolution! Instead of complaining, at least five times a day replace the complaint about to fly out of your mouth with something positive. Challenge yourself to find it. This is the type of obnoxiously positive advice my fiance has given me, and here I am passing it along. It has helped me, though. He would be shocked to think of me as the leader of a positivity revolution!

That is what it is like to live East of Eden. It is beautiful and so close to perfection, but completely taken for granted. All we want is perfection, and we never stop to appreciate how great it is to be this close to it. The grass is always greener in our minds, but our own grass looks pretty damn good. Appreciate! Enjoy! Smile!

Today I will

Today I will smile.

laugh.
think.
sigh.
love.
appreciate.

This is my first blog since high school. I am determined to write something more inspirational than the things I wrote then. I used to write everyday. I did not post them anywhere but on my hard drive, and some of them were wonderful. Some were awful. There are some things that you need to write just to get off your chest, and never return to them again. Such things I moved to floppy disks, and I don't have a disk drive anymore, so they are confined there for all eternity. I intend to write more often then I have been.

Some thoughts before I go:
Life moves so quickly, and requires more contemplation than anyone has time to commit to it. I try to appreciate one thing each day, to think on that, and to love it. I am, by nature, a pessimist, but despite my constant negativity and my complaints, I am happy. I am more happy now than I have ever been. I need to remind myself of this often, and it works well for me, most of the time. Try not to get caught up in the negative, and even if you do, even if the entire world seems to be caught in the mire of despair and uselessness, try to isolate one single thing that you appreciate. It will define your existence, even if only for a moment.