Ball and chain, on a pedestal

Two expressions, two ways of describing the male-female relationship, specifically in marriage. I don't like either.

The ball and chain is a horrible expression. Typically the wife is referred to as "the old ball and chain" as though she drags behind the husband, holding him back from where he wants to be. Ladies, we can also feel the pull of the ball and chain, so I would not restrict this one to the wives. I have thought of my relationship as a hindrance before. I've wondered if being married would hold me back from some greater purpose. But the truth is, being married, and being in a relationship in general, has actually lifted me in ways I could not have imagined.

I see my purpose and my goals through him, and our life together. It's an entirely new way of thinking. I see us as this team. We are not "one," but rather two individuals working toward a common purpose. Our goals and fears are aligned, and our separate talents and strengths help us to achieve our goals and defeat our fears.

Before I get carried away describing a marriage as teamwork, I must tell you that this "alignment of minds" has not, in any way, helped us play as a team in Pictionary. We still prefer to be on opposite teams. :)

Next we have the pedestal. It's a place many women would like to visit, and most of them who want to visit really love it, and want to move there. I am not one of those women. To quote Counting Crows, "you put your girl up on a pedestal, and wait for her to fall."

The pedestal idea, like the ball and chain, is another unequal and negative correlation. No one wants to be the ball and chain, and no one wants to be "off the pedestal." To be adored: it sounds fun and flattering, but it gets lonely up on that pedestal. You will crave an equal. Also, thanks to the Counting Crows, there is the reality of being held to too high a standard and disappointing the other. What you want is someone that sees and appreciates you for who you are. He or she does not feel held back by your presence or existence, nor does he or she feel worshipped and alone, held to impossibly high standards and about to fall from your good graces.

In reading The Shack, God discusses the relationships, modeled after His own with Jesus and Sarayu (the Holy Ghost), that He wants humans to emulate. It echoes none of the sexism that I find in the creation story: "Eve was created from man, she was second, she was created to serve man, she was created to keep him company..." Rather, God stresses the importance of equality and a complete lack of hierarchy. There is no hierarchy in a true relationship, only equal love and admiration.

You may be told at some point that it is always better when one person loves the other more. I have thought about this often. I can see it in other relationships, and I can see that it appears to work, but I promise you that it does not. It is cold in the shadow of another, and lonely on that pedestal. One person should not be "better" than the other. You should both have attractive strengths that balance and even out the relationship. Also, neither of you should be "boss." I know most feminists would agree with me, but this applies to men as well. You should never be subservient with your partner; that is not a "real" relationship.

Something to think about...

Marriage: The Series

I have decided to write a series on marriage, as I navigate the waters...

I am going to try and write at least one entry a week on a new, but related, topic. Hopefully these posts will be helpful to anyone who needs advice, or wonders, or is just interested. I also hope to make some sense out of this journey, and to complile my thoughts in a way that will help me measure our progress.

Marriage is

Marriage has been surprising.

It has been surprisingly wonderful and surprisingly difficult. Everyone tells you that it is hard, and it is. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I truly believe that each day that passes is a great accomplishment. It is a choice that you make--first in front of your fiance', and then your family and friends, and then, each and every day, without fanfare, with yourself. There are so many wonderful things about sharing a life with another, but there are a million, unpredictable little things that can go wrong. I wonder how marriages survive infidelity or the death of children, when at times it seems mine will not survive the "leftover wars" or a discussion of who will clean the kitchen.

Of course I'm being dramatic; we are not, and have not deliberated whether or not our marriage will last, because that is not an option for us. But truly, each day is a choice. Not just choosing to be married, but choosing to be a good spouse, and choosing to accept the other for who he or she is, truly. Within each day are countless choices to be made over the little things, from deciding whether or not to be mad over the annoying things that person does, deciding whether or not to be positive and supportive, choosing whether or not to do the hard thing and talk about what is wrong.

I promise you, dear readers, that talking is the best option. In a marriage, the one thing you can count on is that the other loves you. Your spouse chose you, and continues to choose you, and in talking through your problems you will probably be reminded of why you both bothered to choose each other anyway. Because you're in love, and when you are, there is no other choice.