I have to admit to my own cowardice today.
I have become increasingly aware of my desire to enrich the lives of those around me, the lives I have the power to impact. As small as my desire is in scope, it has proved no less difficult than world domination or any other lofty goal. I have tried, I have succeeded, I have failed, but I have not been broken.
To quote myself, "I want to become a shelter from the storm of humanity to the people I love. I want to become a warm blanket to shroud them from the frigidity of hatred. I want to become the sharp blade of a sword, threatening and still, to protect them from anger. I want to be a resource in the confusion of living. I want to be a source of joy in the otherwise sullen lives of my loved ones. I want to be a candle in the darkness of the soul, and to illuminate all those around me. I hope to be all of these things and more. I am willing to sacrifice, to shelter, to protect and calm, to enlighten and enrich, and to exalt each precious soul that has turned to me and will continue to turn to me in the search for love."
I guess this was a very optimistic day for me. A diamond in the rough.
Now, as I am faced with the very times in which I must draw upon that strength I find myself cowering in some imaginary corner of my universe. I am faced with with a situation that I have feared and expected for so long and I feel all strength leaving me.
Lift me up, help me be the person I want to be, fill me with promise and hope so that I can truly be the beacon of Your light that I want to be. I need You now, to help me stand up straighter and face what I have known is coming for so long with dignity, respect, and grace. Dry the tears that fall at the merest suggestion of upcoming loss, quench the thirst for love that I fear will dry and crack from disuse, lift my soul from the depths of despair and fill it with your Grace so that I may help those I love in their times of need. How can I let them down now? I see the path You have for me more clearly each day and yet I find myself less capable of walking it. What has changed? Do I have more fear now? Am I hesitant? Was I once so strong because of my ignorance, my false confidence in my own bravery?
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1 comment:
dream no small dreams for they do not have the power to move the hearts of men.
the fact that there is fear to be had as you venture in to this quest to provide shelter from the storm, means that 1)you realize there is a storm brewing (which is unique) 2)you realize that it's too big for you to conquer alone (which brings a level of humility necessary to being a leader). be the voice of hope that people need by inviting them on your journey to find the answers.
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