As we sat across our coffee table with our jeweler on Wednesday night the feelings bounced around my head, not finding words to express them. My future husband slipped his future wedding band on his finger and I think my heart stopped.
He's mine.
He is going to come home to me. He is going to wear jewelry, for me! He is going to pledge before God and everyone most important to us that he will love me until the end of time. This is a BIG deal. Somehow, though, I'm not scared.
Our love, is our love, and girl I love our love.
Heaven has given this love to only us...
This love is only us...
-David Martin
I was asked last week by a dear friend from High School an important question.
"People tell me that 'you just know'" she said. "And I'm afraid that I won't just know. Did you?"
I thought about this and responded, "I guess that the apprehension fades and one day you realize that you can get married. I would explain as the opposite of 'you just know', more like 'you don't not know.'"*
"Thank God" she said. "I can understand that."
What I tried to express to her is that one day you realize that you have no fear of marriage, no doubt, and the way is clear. I don't think it happens the other way around. I don't think that one day you just know that the person is right for you; it's that you slowly begin to lose every bit of protest within you and accept that the person is less and less wrong for you, and then you know.
I leaf through a book he filled out for me. The book (which I highly recommend) is called "What I Love About You." You are prompted to write answers to questions that help you express, in ways you would never think to express, all of the dimensions of love you have for the person. I bought us a matching set for Valentine's Day. In it he has written the funny, touching, and strange ways that let me know that he loves me for who I am inside: my love of kicking wild mushrooms and jumping in puddles, the inside jokes that represent the early days of our relationship, and our wishes and dreams for each other.
I am overwhelmed, flattered, content.
I glanced down at my ring finger, my future wedding band sparkling in place beneath my engagement ring. I smiled, slid it off my finger, and returned it to the jeweler. There will be a time for that; and I can't wait.
*I realize that "you don't NOT know" is a double negative which would imply the positive "you know" but try to follow my train of thought here.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, April 18, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Knowing just what you need when you need it
I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. Friday night I had dinner with my parents and my dad's friend who helped Josh with his bike. She had some exciting news to share: she is three and a half months pregnant. She and her husband married last April and I have been hoping that this news was coming coon.
Saturday started with some sleeping in, which was wonderful. Josh and I had a nice, relaxing day. I was in bed when he came home from work and he laughed at me and the dog, all snuggled up. Sunday I woke up to rain, which was disappointing for Josh who had a bike ride planned. He told me to bundle up and wear my old tennis shoes, and we went across the street to the park and jumped in puddles with the dog. I love how he knows what is best for me, and that he appreciates that I might be the only 23-year-old who loves to jump in puddles and play in the rain. Not only did he suggest this, but he laughed with pride and happiness as I ran and jumped and get subsequently soaked. He saw that I didn't care, and he joined me. We ran together through the rain and into dugouts, dodging (or choosing to step in) puddles and little rivers of water as the rain poured from the sky. I ran errands in the rain and brought in my groceries and began to make cookies. When there was a large pile I sent them with Josh to his friends' house for the Super Bowl. Niki came over and we watched Sex in the City and at about dusk, after she left, I decided to take a bath. As I got into the fragrant water, the lights in the bathroom began to turn on and off. Freaked out and overwhelmed, I ran out of the bathtub and shut off the lights. i tried the hall lights, they were turning on and off. The living room was fine. I decided to look for a flashlight just in case. As I turned, the tv clicked, and all the power was out. I called Josh on my cell and it started beeping at me. He didn't answer, and the phone died. I started to feel like I was in a horror movie. I blew out the candles, grabbed my flashlight and dog, and got in the car. i drove to Josh's friend's house, despite having on no makeup, and sat on the couch with them for the remainder of the game, which was lucky, because it was a great 9 minutes.
We came home to still no power, and no promise of it until the next day. I have always kind of liked power outages. They force you to break away from technology and appreciate the beauty and power of candlelight. However, I had a fridge full of groceries which would surely rot overnight. Our neighbors came to the rescue with a super extension cord and we were on our way. I got a call from Josh just now telling me that the power is back on, and for that, I am glad. As much as I like the romanticism of my post-electrical world, I need a hot shower and my blowdrier.
Although my wonderful fiance did tell me this morning, "if it's not on tomorrow, we'll just have to go out to dinner and then talk all night." I would have liked that...
Saturday started with some sleeping in, which was wonderful. Josh and I had a nice, relaxing day. I was in bed when he came home from work and he laughed at me and the dog, all snuggled up. Sunday I woke up to rain, which was disappointing for Josh who had a bike ride planned. He told me to bundle up and wear my old tennis shoes, and we went across the street to the park and jumped in puddles with the dog. I love how he knows what is best for me, and that he appreciates that I might be the only 23-year-old who loves to jump in puddles and play in the rain. Not only did he suggest this, but he laughed with pride and happiness as I ran and jumped and get subsequently soaked. He saw that I didn't care, and he joined me. We ran together through the rain and into dugouts, dodging (or choosing to step in) puddles and little rivers of water as the rain poured from the sky. I ran errands in the rain and brought in my groceries and began to make cookies. When there was a large pile I sent them with Josh to his friends' house for the Super Bowl. Niki came over and we watched Sex in the City and at about dusk, after she left, I decided to take a bath. As I got into the fragrant water, the lights in the bathroom began to turn on and off. Freaked out and overwhelmed, I ran out of the bathtub and shut off the lights. i tried the hall lights, they were turning on and off. The living room was fine. I decided to look for a flashlight just in case. As I turned, the tv clicked, and all the power was out. I called Josh on my cell and it started beeping at me. He didn't answer, and the phone died. I started to feel like I was in a horror movie. I blew out the candles, grabbed my flashlight and dog, and got in the car. i drove to Josh's friend's house, despite having on no makeup, and sat on the couch with them for the remainder of the game, which was lucky, because it was a great 9 minutes.
We came home to still no power, and no promise of it until the next day. I have always kind of liked power outages. They force you to break away from technology and appreciate the beauty and power of candlelight. However, I had a fridge full of groceries which would surely rot overnight. Our neighbors came to the rescue with a super extension cord and we were on our way. I got a call from Josh just now telling me that the power is back on, and for that, I am glad. As much as I like the romanticism of my post-electrical world, I need a hot shower and my blowdrier.
Although my wonderful fiance did tell me this morning, "if it's not on tomorrow, we'll just have to go out to dinner and then talk all night." I would have liked that...
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I am a coward
I have to admit to my own cowardice today.
I have become increasingly aware of my desire to enrich the lives of those around me, the lives I have the power to impact. As small as my desire is in scope, it has proved no less difficult than world domination or any other lofty goal. I have tried, I have succeeded, I have failed, but I have not been broken.
To quote myself, "I want to become a shelter from the storm of humanity to the people I love. I want to become a warm blanket to shroud them from the frigidity of hatred. I want to become the sharp blade of a sword, threatening and still, to protect them from anger. I want to be a resource in the confusion of living. I want to be a source of joy in the otherwise sullen lives of my loved ones. I want to be a candle in the darkness of the soul, and to illuminate all those around me. I hope to be all of these things and more. I am willing to sacrifice, to shelter, to protect and calm, to enlighten and enrich, and to exalt each precious soul that has turned to me and will continue to turn to me in the search for love."
I guess this was a very optimistic day for me. A diamond in the rough.
Now, as I am faced with the very times in which I must draw upon that strength I find myself cowering in some imaginary corner of my universe. I am faced with with a situation that I have feared and expected for so long and I feel all strength leaving me.
Lift me up, help me be the person I want to be, fill me with promise and hope so that I can truly be the beacon of Your light that I want to be. I need You now, to help me stand up straighter and face what I have known is coming for so long with dignity, respect, and grace. Dry the tears that fall at the merest suggestion of upcoming loss, quench the thirst for love that I fear will dry and crack from disuse, lift my soul from the depths of despair and fill it with your Grace so that I may help those I love in their times of need. How can I let them down now? I see the path You have for me more clearly each day and yet I find myself less capable of walking it. What has changed? Do I have more fear now? Am I hesitant? Was I once so strong because of my ignorance, my false confidence in my own bravery?
I have become increasingly aware of my desire to enrich the lives of those around me, the lives I have the power to impact. As small as my desire is in scope, it has proved no less difficult than world domination or any other lofty goal. I have tried, I have succeeded, I have failed, but I have not been broken.
To quote myself, "I want to become a shelter from the storm of humanity to the people I love. I want to become a warm blanket to shroud them from the frigidity of hatred. I want to become the sharp blade of a sword, threatening and still, to protect them from anger. I want to be a resource in the confusion of living. I want to be a source of joy in the otherwise sullen lives of my loved ones. I want to be a candle in the darkness of the soul, and to illuminate all those around me. I hope to be all of these things and more. I am willing to sacrifice, to shelter, to protect and calm, to enlighten and enrich, and to exalt each precious soul that has turned to me and will continue to turn to me in the search for love."
I guess this was a very optimistic day for me. A diamond in the rough.
Now, as I am faced with the very times in which I must draw upon that strength I find myself cowering in some imaginary corner of my universe. I am faced with with a situation that I have feared and expected for so long and I feel all strength leaving me.
Lift me up, help me be the person I want to be, fill me with promise and hope so that I can truly be the beacon of Your light that I want to be. I need You now, to help me stand up straighter and face what I have known is coming for so long with dignity, respect, and grace. Dry the tears that fall at the merest suggestion of upcoming loss, quench the thirst for love that I fear will dry and crack from disuse, lift my soul from the depths of despair and fill it with your Grace so that I may help those I love in their times of need. How can I let them down now? I see the path You have for me more clearly each day and yet I find myself less capable of walking it. What has changed? Do I have more fear now? Am I hesitant? Was I once so strong because of my ignorance, my false confidence in my own bravery?
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