There is beauty all around.
It is in the sky, the swaying of the trees, the formation of clouds above our heads.
It is in the sweeping lines of architecture, silhouette of buildings rising above city lights, the movement of the city, traffic flowing between pillars of concrete and glass.

It is so important that we see the beauty around us, and appreciate it. I received a phone call last night from my fiance. I was driving home from work in downtown LA. I had put in eight hours that day, twelve the day before, and was stuck in traffic. I was exhausted. The sun was setting and it began to drizzle. He thanked me, for dealing with the things I have been dealing with lately with a smile. For continuing to care for him during an illness while I was tired and emotionally drained. The beauty of it was that, while I so appreciated his call and the fact that he noticed, I didn't need to hear it. I wouldn't have done things any differently.

I hope that I am not simply repressing my feelings right now. I had a good long cry Saturday, the kind that gives you a headache that no amount of Aleve can take away for the remainder of the day. Now I'm happy, suspiciously so. I probably shouldn't be. Despite my best intentions to "choose each day" to be happy, to make happiness a choice, no matter what the circumstance, I am surprised at how easy I am finding it today.

Valentine's Day

I have adjusted the colors of my blog just for this happy day!

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays, simply for its colors. You have to admit that there are few things girlier or cheerier than pink and red, bespeckled with hearts and flowers. I know it is a silly, perhaps useless holiday, but I have no problem with his. I realize that no one celebrates the day on which birds supposedly choose their mates for the reasons it was created, but this antiquated Victorian holiday has its merits. Why not celebrate a day that could be, if Valentine's Day did not exist, a normal thursday? It can still be a normal Thursday if you choose, and I have no problem with that, but let's discuss Valentine's Day Haters.

Restaraunts cost more and are crowded.
It makes single people feel like crap.
The holiday is mercilessly marketed to hapless husbands.
Women are raised to expect something special on this day.

Those were the things I do not like about Valentine's Day. However, I have some very similar complaints about Christmas. Christmas has become a holiday that has nothing to do with the religious meaning of the day, and instead is a chance to prove that you are worthy of buying gifts for others. It is a chance to show off your knowledge of friends and family, shopping skills, and bank account balance. Valentine's Day almost falls into this trap, however, I do not know one single woman that expects the diamond tennis bracelet or obligatory box of chocolates. I don't even know very many women who observe this holiday at all. I think most men feel much less pressure on this holiday, ironically, than they do on Christmas.

Restaraunts are crowded and expensive, but here's the great thing: you don't have to go to one. Stay home, or go out another night. Valentine's Day isn't the only day you can ever go out to dinner.

Last but not least, let's talk about being single on this day. I always thought Valentine's Day was akin to friendship day. Aren't we raised to shower our friends in valentines and candy? I have never had a problem with it as a single or attached person, and you shouldn't, either. Most of the people I have known who "boycotted" Valentine's Day, wearing black and spouting out about the downfalls of love, were those who most desperately wanted to be in a relationship. I was even told once in High School that it was unfair for some to be happy or in love on Valentine's Day as it made others depressed. So happy people should pretend to be unhappy? Or could we all find something positive in this silly day and enjoy it?

Valentine's Day means different things to different people. For us, it is an excuse to spend a night together, talking. And like so many others, it will not be a very extraordinary or different night. But that's okay. For my parents, it means nothing, as they find it to be a "Hallmark Holiday." For some, it is a birthday, and Valentine's Day matters little.* For others, it is an opressive reminder that they are alone, and for others still, it's a day to wear pink or red and eat dark chocolate. Enjoy it in your own way.

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KRYSTA RINKE!!

The brink of perfection

How lucky I am, I think, as I drive in my car, sunroof open, warm and slightly fragrant air rushing inside, grabbing my hair and pulling it toward the roof, toward freedom. Straight ahead are the mountains, covered in snow, below an endless blue sky. It is a warm but comfortable 70 degrees, early February. I stand in my kitchen, preparing a dinner for my loved one, windows open, bees buzzing lazily around plants soon to bloom. Fountains tinkle sofly. I dig in the earth, still damp from the rain, soon to be parched and dry, but for today, this one, perfect day, everything has reached the brink of perfection.

The earth is a rich, dark black, it crumbles in my hands and smells faintly woody and fertile. The sun caresses my back, my hair swirls softly around my face, as I train vines, grown rampant in the late winter rain. I gently urge them back, toward trellis' already covered in leaves and about to bloom. Within days the entire area will burst to life and color and scent. The sun will scorch or extinguish and wither, but for now, it is on the brink of perfection.

I am perched now, on the back of a motorcycle, turning onto Pacific Coast Highway. Night will fall soon enough, but for now, my favorite time of day, the light is merely hinting at its eventual fade. The waves crash and the road opens ahead of us, mostly unoccupied. I feel the wind rushing around my face, smelling of salt and sage, water and land. It is clear, the sky blue and even, spreading to the horizon above the sparkling expanse of the sea. Boats dot the surface of the ocean, making tiny white lines of wake as they cross, lazily, in front of the sun. Catalina island is silhouetted as the sun begins to drop behind it. The sky turns orange and then pink. Soon it will be gone, taking its warmth slowly, and I will remember that it is still winter, no matter how warm the day may have been, but for now, it is on the brink of perfection.

T.G.I.F.

I don't think anything really drives the whole, "I'm a grown-up now" message home more than my excitement (or lack of) on Fridays. Sure, it should feel like the last day of school, I should run out of here and scream my excitement to the world. But what do I do instead? I think and plan. Weekends are my only chance to get a lot of things done (like things that require sunlight) and I put so much pressure on myself to do them, that weekends can be more stressful than fun. i have weekend nights where I don't even want to do anything "fun" because I know how much I could do at home. Sheesh.

As I take a breath and try to give myself one, ONE fun or relaxing activity this weekend, my phone rings. It is my mom, asking me when i am going to clean out my room at their house and "officially" move out. I don't know where to put all of that stuff! I sigh, ask her to give it all to Good Will for me, offer her $50 to do this, and she stops me.
"I don't know what to do with this stuff. You have photo albums here, and books...if I only knew how to sell things on eBay I could make a fortune!"
"Okay, mom, stop right there. I want those books. They're just hanging out at your house until I have a really big bookcase...a library..."
I sigh again.
"Mom, can I please deal with this another time? I'm just too busy."

Clean bathrooms
Find bridesmaid dresses
Vacuum
Do laundary
Find a dj
Clean out my closet
Organize shoes
Water plants
Walk dog
Celebrate Josh's birthday....

An epiphany in second person

My best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. She had the confused first week, knowing it was about to lead into the sad second week, and then she had an ephiphany. She was looking at the pictures he had sent her from his brother's wedding the weekend after their breakup. She described looking at them and just "getting it." All at once, everything became clear and she realized that they weren't meant to be together. They have nothing in common, and no matter how hard she tried, she could not talk herself into accepting that. She realized that she could never move away from her home in the city to join his life in the country (especially the countryside of Zambia). She would always be an LA girl, and he would always be a Zambia farm boy. And just like that, she was over it and ready to move on.

Have any of you ever had this experience? Were you thankful or reluctant?

Nothing scarier than a tedddy bear...

Please, someone help me with my Nip/Tuck nightmares.
I can't stop watching the show. It's intriguing, well-written, and addictively honest. It goes where no other show would dare to. It shows the dark side of humanity in all its glory, and what better way than to set this show around two plastic surgeons? Now that they have moved the show to LA it is ten times more intriguing because of the horrific truths it reveals about my home state. They could move their office to Orange County next year and run into just as many, or more, disgusting tales of humanity at its worst.

I have been with the show through thick and thin, literally, but this week they crossed the line. I can only say that this episode dealt with remorse, AIDS, cannibalism, sex addiction, betrayal, a child-chomping teacher, the difficulty of explaining death to children, and worst of all, the "immortalization" of a Hollywood agent by a teddy bear maker. I don't think I have ever seen something so disturbing. Who would ever think of something like that? It's genius and it has kept me up at night. I felt like throwing up, or ripping out my eyes, or destroying my memory somehow. I have not stopped thinking about it. I don't know why this particular thing grossed me out more than the myriad disgusting and freakish things I have seen before, but it has really stuck with me. I must have something against teddy bears.

Knowing just what you need when you need it

I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. Friday night I had dinner with my parents and my dad's friend who helped Josh with his bike. She had some exciting news to share: she is three and a half months pregnant. She and her husband married last April and I have been hoping that this news was coming coon.

Saturday started with some sleeping in, which was wonderful. Josh and I had a nice, relaxing day. I was in bed when he came home from work and he laughed at me and the dog, all snuggled up. Sunday I woke up to rain, which was disappointing for Josh who had a bike ride planned. He told me to bundle up and wear my old tennis shoes, and we went across the street to the park and jumped in puddles with the dog. I love how he knows what is best for me, and that he appreciates that I might be the only 23-year-old who loves to jump in puddles and play in the rain. Not only did he suggest this, but he laughed with pride and happiness as I ran and jumped and get subsequently soaked. He saw that I didn't care, and he joined me. We ran together through the rain and into dugouts, dodging (or choosing to step in) puddles and little rivers of water as the rain poured from the sky. I ran errands in the rain and brought in my groceries and began to make cookies. When there was a large pile I sent them with Josh to his friends' house for the Super Bowl. Niki came over and we watched Sex in the City and at about dusk, after she left, I decided to take a bath. As I got into the fragrant water, the lights in the bathroom began to turn on and off. Freaked out and overwhelmed, I ran out of the bathtub and shut off the lights. i tried the hall lights, they were turning on and off. The living room was fine. I decided to look for a flashlight just in case. As I turned, the tv clicked, and all the power was out. I called Josh on my cell and it started beeping at me. He didn't answer, and the phone died. I started to feel like I was in a horror movie. I blew out the candles, grabbed my flashlight and dog, and got in the car. i drove to Josh's friend's house, despite having on no makeup, and sat on the couch with them for the remainder of the game, which was lucky, because it was a great 9 minutes.

We came home to still no power, and no promise of it until the next day. I have always kind of liked power outages. They force you to break away from technology and appreciate the beauty and power of candlelight. However, I had a fridge full of groceries which would surely rot overnight. Our neighbors came to the rescue with a super extension cord and we were on our way. I got a call from Josh just now telling me that the power is back on, and for that, I am glad. As much as I like the romanticism of my post-electrical world, I need a hot shower and my blowdrier.

Although my wonderful fiance did tell me this morning, "if it's not on tomorrow, we'll just have to go out to dinner and then talk all night." I would have liked that...

Love yourself

Why can't we love ourselves for who we are, for the way we look?
Why is how we look now never good enough?
How is it that the idea of beauty that I have, one I reject fundamentally but realize I have internalized, is so set in my mind?
How do I destroy it and love myself for who I am?

There is beauty in you; please see it.

When do we reach that point that we realize our state of mind has nothing, or very little, to do with the events of our day or overall condition of our lives, but something deeper, darker, and beyond our control?

I am never awake at this time of night anymore, and it saddens me. But then, what doesn't these days? I feel most creative now. This is self-destructive. I will self-destruct. I would.

I won't.

Cheating

I want to cheat.

*note: do not continue reading if you are easily offended, but most importantly, if you are hungry and/or on a diet.

Let me just tell you what I would eat, assuming my diet disappeared and my body looked great already!

A big bowl of spaghetti.
A cupcake with sprinkles.
A big pepsi with ice from Taco Bell.
Nachos.

Oh my gosh rice cakes are so not doing it for me today! And what's for lunch? Hummas, pita, snow peas. Hmmm...

New Post

Oh the possibilty.

Blank paper.

Empty Word doc.

Free evening.

Day off.

Extra ten minutes.

Clear calendar square.

Lunch break.

I shudder at the thought. Oh emptiness, how I crave you in times of overwhelming full-ness. Who knew being alone could be so fulfilling?