I am trying to pull together my thoughts right now and finding that difficult. I have really run the gamut of emotions today. I was scared, exhilarated, nervous, happy, upset, and sad. now I feel just strange.
Sometimes I just wish that I could turn off whatever it is in me that causes me to over think and overdo everything. I give myself the same pep talks when I am frustrated and upset and they do not work. I feel like I can go from a place of exaltation, utter and complete joy and pride in myself, who I am and where I am going, to the depths of despair. I should not be able to, in a day, go from elation to sadness, pride to disgust. I think I care too much, and it even stops me from doing. I could do more for others and care less. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes.
In high school my motto was, "if you're not pissed off, you're not paying attention." In my eyes, if you didn't see the problems that plague our world and you didn't feel anything about them that you were morally flawed. I could not get my mind off of every little thing outside my control. I don't know why I care about things that do not concern me in any way, but I do. I know that my feeling bad will not improve anything, but I feel morally remiss to go on with my day while others suffer. I need to take things as they come I guess, evaluate them, and do what I can, if anything. I need to stop thinking about revenge and focus on something positive. I need to channel my advice to others (appreciate, rejoice) and dump it on myself and actually believe it and practice it. I want to feel accomplished and I am one of the many things that stand in my way. Can I change that? Will I ever escape the feeling that I am uncomfortable where I am now?
I need to do what I feel is right. I need to follow my heart. I trust that things happen for a reason. I trust that if I continue as I am now, good things will come of my life. I feel that retribution comes to those who deserve it. I feel that by living positively and doing what I feel is right I will be rewarded in the end. I think I am already being rewarded! I think I am very fortunate to be where I am now. I need to remember that!
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About Me
My favorites
I still
- I still feel disappointment
- I still love
- I still feel awed by what I have been given in life
- I still sing
- I still see the beauty in everything around me
- I still cry
- I still believe in the power of thought
- I still dream
- I still find myself
- I still search for myself
- I still believe that people are essentially good
- I still believe that I am a good person
- I still trust
Required Reading
- A Celestial Omnibus: Short Fiction on Faith, Maney
- A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Eggers
- East of Eden, Steinbeck
- Fahrenheit 451, Bradbury
- Franny and Zooey, Salinger
- Mama Day, Naylor
- Paradise Lost, Milton
- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Twain
- The Awakening, Chopin
- The Collected Works of Flannery O'Connor
- The Color Purple, Walker
- White Oleander, Fitch
1 comment:
you ARE fortunate. figure out what it is that you want to contribute to this world to make it a better place and stick to it. so many of us are running around in a frenzy trying to make something stick so we can pat ourselves on the back. you have something unique to contribute and that's going to set you a part from the apathetic mindsets we face every day ... but you'll keep moving forward if you're really passionate about living up to your potential.
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